My family and I. Part 5… A letter to my dad

Dear Dad.

Now that you’ve gone, I can’t ask any of the questions that I always wanted to, i can never get closure I never felt like you where a father to me, and that pains me to say it, you tried living your childhood again through me, I tried to look up to you, impress you, but I always failed, and you let me know that, you’d tell me I wasn’t fit and make me do sit ups and push ups, saying everyone else was doing them, yet I was 8, you made me cry, I played rugby because I knew you did, and I was good, but always never good enough. I played for the school, my club, and almost my country, but still I didn’t do enough, I was training 8 days a week but you demanded more.

Why did you pick on me and bully me as a child dad? Why was my relationship with you so violent, I remember when you pushed me, and I told mam ,and then you spat in my face, you called me a liar, you grounded me for days, until I cracked and said you didn’t, just to stop the abuse, Mam begged you to stop, but you hit her too , Why was I punished, why didn’t you like me dad? what did I ever do to deserve that?

Why did you treat me different to my sister and brother? did you not want me? did you regret me, what did I do? why did you and mam argue, it was always the same pattern, argue Monday through to Friday, play happy families through to Sunday and repeat, Why didn’t you want me playing darts in your same team, was it because, I stole your limelight, was it because I was better than you? did you not like that, After you died, I had to buy your darts back, because I wanted something from you, when you dead you left us nothing, even after winning near £50.000 on bingo.

Why do I not have any memories of us doing father and son things, yes you came to my rugby matches, but you’d show me up, you would tell me to do better, you would push me to the limit, I tried my best, The only memory I have is me being 16 and you getting me drinks, and I was very sick, and you laughed.

When mam and you split, why did you hate me even more, was it because I finally stood up to you, showed you out to be the bully you are, You showed people a different side to you, that I got to see, you where old school, and I respected that, but I wanted a dad not a dictator. I took part in a charity boxing match, you laughed at me and said id get hurt, that was all the motivation I needed, I won dad, but you would know that, you read it in the papers, when I was in trouble for standing up for myself, I had to do all the legalities on my own, I felt scared, I felt I had no security,

I finally had the balls to stand up to you when you hit mam, and you hit me harder than you ever did before, but I kept standing up, it hurt, but I will never regret that, the pain was worth it, I lied to everyone as to how I got my bruises, but I needed to help mam .

You died after not speaking to me for nearly 6 years, I found out you actually got married through Facebook, I went to your funeral, to support my brother and sister who broke down, but I felt nothing, I didn’t cry, I felt empty, emotionless, I went back to your wake, I was shunned by everyone, I asked for your darts, and you had given them away,

Why did you push me away? why did you treat my brother and sister differently, what was it that made you do that, do you understand the effect that had on me growing up, why wasn’t I enough,

If there is one thing that I can take away from all this, is that I know if I ever had a son, or daughter I would never push them away, I would never treat them like you treated me, you’ve hurt me immeasurably,

Why dad? Why?

I can never forgive you.


8 thoughts on “My family and I. Part 5… A letter to my dad

  1. Such a sad story. Some dads are shit, I know. But that was his problem, not yours. Fuck him! Seriously, he sounds like an asshole. Be proud of who you are and who you’ve become in spite of having a shit dad. I know I am proud of you when reading your blog. You sound like a great human being who loves and cares for others 🙂
    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It feels like you might have got a buden off your head after writing this. I can connect to you on some level coz my father and I also have some unsaid issues. On the outside everything is great, but he and I both know its not.
    So brave of you to speak of it. Past can’t be changed, just look forward for a better tomorrow. Be a great dad to your son one day, right all the wrongs that you faced as a child.
    All the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Such a sad story… I’m sorry you never got any closure and I hope you have kids that you can lavish your love on. It sounds to me that your Dad was the one with problems , not you. Bury the past and look to the future. Best of luck 😊🦉

    Liked by 1 person

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